ha-happy may 14th! … who knows, today must be special for someone somewhere, right? anyway! hello, i miss you more everyday, well some days more than others, but today is one of those some (those some? LOATHSOME!) but yeah, yeah things are good really good yes indeed they are even though i’m stressing and ergo lost completely all sense of hygiene (the last morsel, gone! can you believe it!?) , and am perpetually tired but gah! what larks! … i applied for a job! what’s happening!?… i know right! but pray listen, it will be useful! ach! and also revelations! if you are nice and actually do nice things to people, people will return the favour! precisely my intention with this is to make my parents actually in some form enjoy my constant existence, and it may be working! … (alackaday, i made chili con carne for the fam toninght and compliments for the chef abound!) so yes, gah, yes i am happy despite coursework constantly ravaging me like a hundred thousand ants, tying me down like gulliver, but these bonds will break with time, yes yes yes! ahhhh and plans for the summer are ripening, lake district, amsterdam, ah! life! so much more productive than work! …but one must work! OH , you must see this, i did this (liv brought me back this gorgeous little journal and i wrote in it straight away and over the course of 5 or 6 days produced THIS, and i mean well yes the first stanza if you will was done just waiting for a bus from her house but i mean yea i decided to follow the metre and rhythm and for lack of a better word structure of that first little few lines and replicated them throughout (which was a delightful challenge!) and for every even number produced something without constraint, you see? balance! the world is one perpetual balancing act! and how we must balance! how must we balance! … no one knows! …………….. sky is womb! life is large! walk the boulevard! eighteen years spent waiting for the floodgates to open! and here we go!!!!!!!
oliver & jazz
good morning, good mooorning, it’s great to stay up late.. (appart from no it isn’t because you’ll wake up feeling like death and you won’t be able to respond to your peers when they try communicating with you)
today i ate a lot of mango and i just wrote an essay for mrs salmon who is my favourite and talks about pandas all the time (she’s adopted two or three) and she’s just the bestestest. by the way, i’m the tiredest so this post won’t make any banana but i’m going to write it anyway because missu and i enjoyed your last reply because hearing about you and liv makes me squee and you write nice things unlike me who can waffle for everyone in the world!
tomorrow i do my final performance for drama and i am bricking it, oh my god, we haven’t prepared at all. most of our rehearsals have been spent moaning and napping on crash mats and being shit. but salmon will be proud of me doing my essay when i see her tomorrow!
also, i know i sound really stressed because of exams, and all sad and worried, but i’m actually alright at the moment because someone is keeping me sane and knowing that i’ll see them fairly soon is keeping me going. also i spoke to tanya the other day and it was odd and i’m still figuring it out (which is really okay because please watch this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6osiBvQ-RRg)
i have so much to do this summer but i have a feeling i’ll be so exhausted that i’ll probably just sleep for all of it. dear god, i can’t wait! exams will be over soon enough, everyone’s filming things for leavers videos and the other day i was having a wee and everyone came in the toilets and started recording a lip syncing dancey video WHO EVEN DOES THAT?! i was having a wee, do you know how confused i was?! err anyway, yeah, that.
i haven’t got much else to say but i’m looking forward to your reply! maybe we can skype sometime soon
j x
jazz!
just, i say just, trying to find my way in the world, like a ship that ha been spun on its starboard axis and swept away in the white roaring storm – the foam of the sea gets into my eyes, and before i can realise quite the directions of my course, i fall into the sullen and rhetorical cycle of artistic pursuit – the living lengthy lonely pursuit of personal and moral merit. i don’t even feel as tho i may gain from this what i would love to long to, EVEn now, for my hand works separate from my head and i forget even what i am supposed to be writing ––– as if it has a purpose! nay! its a continuous state of dreamy things and bobs and great large oceans painted red with the bloodied crimson paint….the whales all panic and howl from the moouth and the sharks have a field day and they bathe in the blood like vermouth. – aaaah! we all struggle for breath as we sink further deeper until our eyes of our eyes shrink and shrivel and close in our heads and the drastic measures by which we survive creates within us monsters that we are not ever going to be proud of……in actuality, – or to conclude our dreadful vicious cycle,– our own deaths lend us to a certain ironic desire in that we all survive to die at a later date – which is something we cannot deny or destroy…..TO live in happiness, then, unfortunately, we must realise clearly this: that we only live to an eventual and uninteresting but oh so certain and final death, – we cannot live as long as our presence in the memory of others, which in time, certainly will also dissipate and pass into nothingness, until all that is left of our very existence is an epitaph on a gravestone, or the nobleness of our artistic outputs. – which reminds me of my own ideals, i realised long ago that the only way to live beyond ourselves is to create something worthwhile or to love long in the memory of others (the holy kerouac: ‘anyway, i wrote the book because we’re all gonna DIE’) – it is this belief that leads me to strive to create something of which i can be proud and that is may last much longer than i, FREEEEEE ––– and this is what FRIGHTENS me thusly! …. THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO! … jesus! i don’t want to die! THERE IS SO MUCH LEFT FOR ME TO DO…….i can’t help thinking of it! – the world, the sights, the days and nights… ! how livening but as exhilarating as a ticking bomb … sure, the activity triples in intensity but at the end of it your limbs willl be spread over a great bloody distance! ACH, the ticking BOMB OF TIME! ……. jazz, i feel like a wet seed wild in the hot blind earth ….. and i cannot complain! i must go after all life has for me with a serrated axe held aloft with mad eyes and a mind awake awake……ach! (she’s my pride and joy adn yes oh i must tell you a series of circumstances presented me with the opportunity to spend a night at her abode and jazz i cannot begin to tell you, of course i took the opportunity, seized it with gaping hands, and jazz! jazz! we spoke knee to knee eye to eye crosslegged on the bedroom floor until at least half 3 that felt distinctly mad as a few minutes earlier it had just clocked midnight, but goodness! a wop bop a loo bop a good goddamn! what a night it was!…..overtly unsexual but you see i couldnt stop rocking when i was speaking we were swaying to the rhythms of our deepest most personal rhetoric and aaaaah our voices climaxed and we collapsed in exhausted conversation (short time but intense) ……. and now i must prepare myself for soonish absence …. but such a lengthy period of time to be out of the loop and out of the presence out of the presence!!! what shall i do!? she GETS me! ME! when i spoke (and i spoke very very much, things never fully in fruition frothing at my mouth, finding their substance, presenting themselves to both me AND her) she sat with wide curious beautiful eyes that said ‘yes! …. uh huh, yes! absolutely! yes!’ and it encouraged me to chase down my thoughts, and when we swapped the exact same transpired – i was transfixed! ‘yes! i agree! yesyes! yessss!’ etcetera etcetera and so forth……..in other words, yes, jazz, yes i am very very good and very much alive, trying to waste nothing if only to enhance my experiences in this good earth! – the alpha and omega! love and ferocity! founding brothers upon which these great lands are founded, – and peopleare in desperate to find it! find their inner ferocity! …. we are unevolved primal creatures and i am adamant in that belief, we just disguise ourselves within the restraints and constraints of society! aaaand breaaaaaaaaaaathe! life! good god! yes! x
hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh i love that song. i love it, i love it. and i hope you and liv are doing splendiferously and that maybe you both have the time to do something fun this weekend hehe, send her my lovins.
today i stayed home because school is lame and i had too much to do and too many crap lessons, so i thought maybe my bed would like some company for the rest of the day. i had the nicest bagel in the whole world ever and it was toasty and it had bacon and cheese and honey mustard mmmmmmmmmm delicious. oh and frau wol set me an angry text asking why i wasn’t in chamber choir and it had too many “?!?!?!?!?!?!”s to digest, so i didn’t reply.
i have an alright weekend planned. i have lots of revision i’m determined to get done, and i think me and rach are seeing los camp at leadmill tomorrow, and i’ll probs end up sleeping at hers, wearing her pyjamas, borrowing her toothbrush and eating her cereal. i was meant to be camping out tonight but i don’t think i can be bothered to drink, and everyone else will be and everyone’s really randy at camp outs so meh. i’d rather stay at home and watch QI with pops.
oh um er i have nothing else to say :(
bye?
j x
hi!
the beatles can say all i want to say right now
miss you!
te amo mucho!
x
hello hello (twice for emphasis)
today i came home early because i was really really upset because of a few things and i had a bit of an anxiety attack and literally could not spend another minute in school after someone poured water on me (i don’t. even. know.) so i got the bus, which actually terrifies me anyway, and i gave the bus driver £1.30 but he said it costed something else and i couldn’t hear, so i asked him again, but i still couldn’t hear, so i took my money back and simply walked off and waited for a different one (which thankfully wasn’t as full) and then i got home and yeah i was really upset and just like um i don’t know ughhh. it was kind of like i was really really upset over such little things and i tried explaining to my dad and he (understandably) thought i was being stupid and said i shouldn’t let people walk all over me and that i need to be more strong and blah blah, but it was more than “just a bad day”, it was horrific and i can’t explain why. i spoke to my mum on the phone when i was wobbly and she was like “SPEAK PROPERLY” and then shouted at me for not revising this weekend or something and it’s like, really? i’m in such a horrid mood that i feel i literally cannot bear to physically be at compulsory schooling any longer and you’re mean to me over the phone? i don’t get it. i don’t get anyone.
i did manage to get some work done though, and i got a lot of free cake at school because it was many people’s birthdays, although that actually made me feel really bad - i just can’t win!
i hope you had a really nice weekend! on friday, esther stayed round mine and we snuggled on the sofa with a duvet and a tub of ice cream and we watched garden state and we also had a romantic candle-lit dinner in my kitchen and it was great, and then she slept really early so i was bored for a few hours, and then i called gary my hairdresser when we woke up, and then me and esther watched billy elliot and finished the ice cream (despite it being nine in the morn) and then she came with me to see gazza and he cut my hair really short and now i look stupid but that’s okay. i thought me and gaz had a brilliant relationship, what with his stories of being punched in the face by lou reed, and having nico throw up on him, but he kept calling me tamsin and i was a little offended i mean, tamsin? tamsin? really?! (i don’t know if i got “REALLY?!” from you or if you got it from me, lol cute) but yeh, and then i went to band night and took some pictures for c.r.o.w.s and i like this one and this one and they were like EE THERE SICK!! and i was like awwww yer welcome, lads. oh and then i didn’t stay for very long after james’ band because i was feeling blue (eeyore is my spirit animal, okay?!?!) and then i went to harry’s and drank a ridiculous amount of straight jager and a lot of wine and budweiser and passed out still clutching on to a bottle of wine and then i walked home giggling to myself because of someone aaaaah i’m so silly.
have you given ‘beelzebub de la criaturio’ to livvy yet?!?! i want to know what she thinks! i hope she likes loves it as much as i do, eeeeee.
hokay it’s one in the morn and although i have a lot of energy still, my macbook does not! i’m sorry this has been really dull and stupid AND GIMME YR ADDRESS SOON, OMFG!
ps i had a dream where that gemma girl we met outside burger king added me as a friend on facebook and i declined and i woke up feeling really satisfied hahahahahah omg life, why am i so weird?
have a good thursday and friday and saturday and sunday and monday and tuesday and wednesday and then all the other days of your life,
okay bye for now, panda xxx
jazz,
everything’s so hazy these days, - but in a superbly fascinating way. i mean, this mental fogginess concerning memory etc is still getting to me, but i’m slowly coming to terms with it and harnessing its better qualities. like, i can recall certain sights and sounds and sensations but not always all at once, if that makes sense, and it’s not even all the time (goodness no!), i must iterate that it’s only little little instances and certain memories, but all the same, what i mean is that maybe i can now manipulate my memories in a way that washes them into a sort of vignette, and store them in my mind in a new way, making some moments seem more rose-tinted and certainly more poetically inclined. i dont know, it’s a working progress/experiment that may end in failure, but i’m still trying!
schoolwork is just as stressful as its always been and i always get that horrific guttural ache whenever i’m reminded of my 3 A minimum requirement for ALL of my university choices. it aches at my core! even at warwick they were saying ‘its definitely 3 As minimum, even if you got an A*, an A and a B, you still wouldn’t be accepted,’ to which i asked, ‘not even if the A* was in the subject?’ - ‘no, not even then.’ it’s an awful state of affairs but i’m trying i really am, and hopefully my results from last year will give me some leverage for this year.
also, i think i should mention for your own deep rooted personal concern and anxiousness of mental stability that you have for me that i’m no longer scared of that certain thing i was telling you about when i was slowly dying on the train, and i couldn’t be more relieved. ever since last friday i dont know, it just feels like the switch has been turned, - there’s nothing to be scared of at all, and if there is anything to be scared of it’s losing a certain something (i know i shouldnt say such things for it’ll only inevitably come to haunt me and hurt me but i think you should know) - and like, i used to be so fundamentally fearful that i would so willingly drop everything and be completely happy … and i would! i could live anywhere and off of anything, - if my life crumbles like sand in a palm i could and would be completely content because of that L word … and the other L word. and it is a good thing, isn’t it? i mean, it may be nomadic in nature, but i mean, what else could you need? … two Ls and happiness … it doesn’t even matter where you are or what you have as long as you have those things (well in most cases the one L and happiness), but you know what i mean? … i guess it’s really put things into perspective, like, really exposed how futile all sort of inanimate most things are … (it also doesn’t help that in the last day or so i’ve read the full unabridged biography of rimbaud … beautiful beautiful rimbaud! oh rimbe, my literary love! light of my life!) ……. OH! and remember that other other thing i mentioned? … well, i had started it rather tepidly, you know, testing the waters and all that, feeling the temperature with a shaky foot etc etc, but now there’s a foundation! … i never title writing first, in fact it’s usually last, but there are some cases, (as with Lucelia) it actually inspires to have a title, so you at least know in what direction you are to take, and jazz i think i’ve got one ,….. Belleza de la Criatura. i just knew it was to be it, it just oozes with inspiration, - and it means all i needed it to mean, and it fits so achingly well what i already had written, all this natural imagery … (to quote: ‘Yet there she lay, sprawled in a nest of shells, laced by dampened moss and thriving in the blossom of late evening. In uncomfort she reclined, her coarse hair ravaged by saltwater and sand, and her pearly bones clicking against pebbles; her salmon skin drenched by lifelessly ancient raindrops.’) ….. so, yeah! i’m taking life by the reigns and heading as far in any direction as i so desire, ..the horse’s hooves are pounding! … and i’m no longer scared! there’s nothing to be fearful of these days! and perhaps that is what is causing this haze! … i’m beating life at its own game!
oh i do hope you are well jazz, you’re awfully special, and certainly uniquely you, - if anyone was to reap the benefits of the highest apples of life’s tallest tree it’d be you … i’d wouldn’t even hesitate to shake the tree so that the apples would drop for you, you know i would! - raise your deserving palms into the air and dance! … dance dance dance!
love always,
oliver, ostensibly in glee x
dear oliver,
i really liked the post you wrote on the train because it was very visual and i could imagine your thumbs twiddling and knees knocking together, and it made me very happy because it reminded me of how fast time is passing and how much sooner you’re going to be in a university of which you’re happy at. i’m excited for you! i can’t wait to see you do so well and for so many more people to appreciate what you write. eep, i’m smiling just thinking about it. is that weird?! (yes)
i like trains also. i like the quiet coach when there aren’t grumpy men on who shout at you for clearing your throat. and i like it when it’s sunny but not like a brightening clear light, but like a dusty comforting yellow creeping in. those are my favourite train rides. the worst are when your dad forgets to book you a seat and it’s a saturday and it’s freezing and your nose is chilled and not even the bits in-between the coaches are empty, and after an hour of standing ass-to-crotch with an old man with a big nose and piercing eyes, you resort to sitting on the damp floor outside the toilet and the carpet is sharp and prickles your legs through your tights.
today in physics we watched a video about stars exploding or something and it presented by prof brian cox and i spent the lesson quietly swooning with emily. and in drama i was a bit restless and we were left in the old gym hall on our own so i was bouncing on the trampolines for a while, until i did something to my knee and i couldn’t move it and it was spasming and i was like MY LEEEEEEG and no one got it, but if you were there you would have got it but you weren’t there so you couldn’t have got it but you would have if you were there.
oh and someone’s been stealing my tea :( poo poo to them!!!!!
OH AND I’M GOING TO DISNEYLAND IN JULY WITH MY FRIENDS! how exciting? i don’t think you understand what this means to me but OH MY GOD i want to wee everywhere, i’m that excited! d i s n e y l a n d. amg amg amg amg i’m so much more excited than i was when i was five omfg disneyland DISNEYLAND. you should come, it’ll be your last chance to be in the blue man group!
oh oh and i’ve been meaning to send you a bracelet in the post but i’ve lost your address message me it please thank you oliver
i hope to hear from you really soon. i miss you already!
jazz xxxxxxxxxx
dearest jazz,
ight at this moment (well, not anymore) i am en-route to warwick for my university interview. warwick’s a personally good choice by me i think (or at least i hope) because their course is english & creative writing, which will certainly be beneficial for me, but the more i think about it, i find it odd, that is, i’m curious as to how one can properly TEACH creative writing, if you know what i mean… like, you can’t really teach creativity i don’t think; you can teach the fundamentals and like rhetoric and stuff but i don’t know how one can teach creativity alala„,
i find trains to be a most relaxing form of transport, i just love the noises, the creaks, the chugging, the rattling, and the rustling of people’s papers. I’m having to catch 4 seperate trains there and back and also flag a taxi or two. because i will have a lot of spare time from the end of my interview until the train home, i’ve decided just to walk from the university to the station, ie warwick to coventry..which i’m sure will be interesting…..
it was really nice to see you when yo u visited - as it always is - and i don’t know, i think you provide a sense of reality, like when youre around there’s a distinct sense of it all being very real. it’s hard to explain … - i should probably mention this ever-growing sensation of mine that most days things just don’t feel REAL.. like when you forget a dream, you still remember parts but you can’t quite piece it all together to create something linear. it’s like that. there have been moments - increasingly so lately - where i have to ponder on the question as to whether something actually happened or not, or if it was just my imagination. at first these recollections brought a little bit of intrigue to my life, but now it\s startingto dumbfound me. don’t get me wrong, i don’t think i’ve been this happy in a really ong time, and part of me is glad about it (as any sensible human would be) but then there’s another part of me that’s not quite settled; that doesn’t WANT to be content with everything but instead wants to be actively and relentlessly searching and fighting for more. oh i wish i cold explain what i mean more literally and linguistically - god, these parts end up being half-inspired ramblings anyway… - but i tried my best. i fear as well that im loosening my astute grip on independence and becoming - at least, in part - fundamentally co-dependant. lately ive lost all sense of self-mortality and worth in favour of a detrimental desire to please those i hold dear, and rely too heavily on their actions. when i recall such actions i find it to prove me as a weak character, but the problem lies at the time! at the time i willingly set myself up for such actions because i am in the belief that it is a good idea. but then i think it must be it, perhaps at heart i am a weak co-dependant character that only provides a facae of strong-willed independence in a vain attempt to prove not only to everyone else but to myself that i am no such person. i need to motivate and innovate myself, to will, above all costs, my character to become ‘strong’ again, - at least naturally strong on the basis of my core.
Jesus jazz, i always seem to delve into my psyche when i write to you! „, but i like this idea, i would actually love to remain writing to you when i can for our own sort of innocently joyful correspondence. imagine how weird it will be in a few long long years when we return to this dusty shelf of the internet to find this! - we’re practically chronicalling our lives - we’re etching in stone, if ou will, our pasts. how interesting! anyway, we’re nearing birmingham - i passed sheffield a feew long stops ago! - and i’ll have to soon get off and change to warwick. godness, it’s becoming really real. there’s been some alright people who’ve joined me on the other seat, most don’t talk though, which is a shame. then again, who would really want to spark up a conversation with a scruffy denim-clad teenager with bruised and scabby knuckles who’s unremittingly writing in his little moleskine with an odd ferocity? - i dont know. but old people are strangely more reserved about my unkempt-ness. i appreciate them - i always feel like i need to fix up my appearance when old people are near me . theyve seen it all; they know the score; they know where its at, - and i feel obliged to gussy up for them.
alas! here we stop! - i think i may write more often to you on here in different places, it mixes up the perspective and is a lot more theraputic.
i miss you already,
love, oliver x
(i was super claustraphobic on the way back, it was awful, i had so many layers on but i couldnt stop shivering and shaking, and it felt like thousands of tiny icy-footed mice were racing down my spine, after dancing tip-toe on my neck. uuuugh drained.)
helloooooooooooo!
saturday! maybe? (i hope so)
i arrive at like twelve and then go back on the fourteenth at like half seven or something i dunno but yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayayayayay it’s been far too long, olivero.
today my biology teacher shouted at me because i asked her if i “may please” have my homework back and then she was like “I HAVEN’T MARKED IT, DON’T BE SO RUDE TO TEACHERS, I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO!!!!!!!!!!” and no one gave me sympathy for being shouted at and then i had to sort out the sweaty old bibs in the stinky PE store room as i still can’t do PE because my operation bits haven’t healed AND THEEEN in english we annotated the most fucking boring short story eeeeveeeer and it’s so lifelesss and it made me want to die BLAHARGH!! (i hope yr day has been as lovely as mine) OMFG AND SOMEONE DRANK ALL MY TEA IN THE Y11 KITCHEN EVEN THOUGH I LABELLED IT AND SAID I’D CRY IF SOMEONE USED TOO MUCH OF IT!!!!! -rant over.
i want to hear this new song you’ve written, why aren’t you recording anything you’re so poo at life and everything else!!! but let’s go to an aquarium when i’m in durham and let’s bring jazza! i haven’t seen her in so long :( my little fart bucket. I MISS HER SO. also there’s this other fake account think on facebook called “notta realguy” and he’s basically just bitching about everyone and then i was like “gurl u stoopid, u dunt even no hu i am!” and he gave me like my whole life story and now i’m really scared hold me. he’s really funny tho omg. what relevance does this have to anything, you ask? nothing. none. “and consequently, there will be no turnips for lunch..” “NOOOO!!” hehehehe
i’m getting work experience at the children’s hospital, which will be boring.. but also with this psychiatrist who’s emily’s dad, which will be mega fun! oh and with my uncle in london because he does psychiatry and has built universities in iraq or some shit, but yeah he’s sooo soooooo cooooooooool and i think you’d both get on because you both do some of the same things, like when i say weird stuff you both squint at me and kinda smile, YANO THE FACE!! yeah, that face.. that’s all you have in common.. but still! he looks a bit like mario and he’s like really chilled, like the coolest of beans and everything he says is really perceptive and he’s just so intelligent MY FAM ARE THE BEST! my auntie (his woife) leant me some hair straighteners this one time and it pinched all my hair out.. i can’t explain properly but it really hurt!
hey guess what i’m missing a part-aaay just to come to durham aren’t i nice yes i am nice lol jk but yeh at elle’s and elle’s kwl and i went to a part-aaay on friday and i drank a lot and rachael’s house was really cold and me and heena had to huddle for warmth and also the other day i had a nap and then i woke up to the smell of baking and then i sleepily walked downstairs in my onesie and my brother and dad had baked bread together and it was the nicest and i’m really sorry but i don’t have much to say :(
i like writing these because i feel like someone actually cares about how i have been (and i have been okay thank you very much) and i like hearing about how you have been and i was going to do something interesting for this post like do it in SONG FORMAT or do it as a talky video but while in a headstand, but it’s too late and i didn’t want to leave this any longer because i always give myself plenty of time to think of interesting things to say and i always hope something fun and cool will happen but nothing ever does and i’m so sorry about that!
I’LL SEE YOU SOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!
(double date - you and liv, me and hannah, nandos?)
jazz xxxxxxxx
